Monday, February 18, 2013

That One Valentine's Day When I was Half-Naked and Completely Drunk. By Myself.

I've been awfully quiet about Valentine's Day, have I not? Usually I'm on the next morning with butterflies and rainbows and pics to prove it. 

But ah, not this time. Let's recap shall we? Remember how I mentioned in my last post that I had an "off-the-wall surprise" for Clay? Well it was of the more ... intimate ... variety.

Family, you're probably going to want to stop reading now.

We rarely do gifts on Valentines, usually it's just a bottle of wine and a card. Well I guess just a card, since the bottle of wine is a pretty normal occurrence. But I wanted this Valentine's Day to be memorable.

So I decide to act out something I read about in Cosmo many years ago: rent a room in a seedy by-the-hour motel and greet my surprised husband wearing nothing but a smile and heels. (Well, and knickers, because to be completely honest, I was nervous about my bare lady parts actually coming into contact with any thing in that room.)


I called Clay that morning, and mentioned how I just dropped our daughter off at school and oops, looks like she does have a Valentine's program. At noon. Can he make it? Wink, wink.  He's sorta flustered because he's already leaving early to make our son's afternoon Valentine party, but yes, he can rearrange a few things and make it.  

Did I forget to mention that I'm trying to plan a sexy romp immediately prior to our son's ice cream social? I wasn't really thinking logistics at this point.

I call a couple places beforehand to reserve a room, and run into a bit of trouble here; I come to the conclusion that establishments of this nature may not have big advertising budgets because their presence on google is nonexistence. Thanks to the help of my bestfriend, I finally track down a motel that does, in fact, rent rooms by the hour, but they don't do reservations; it's a walk-in kind of thing. Ok, that's fine. I get ready, pack extra sheets (because you just never know), load up the ipod, grab the wine, and head out.


I get to the ... interesting ... motel on the ... interesting... side of town, and walk into the office, trying to look as unembarrassed as possible. HI. I'M HERE TO RENT A ROOM. BY THE HOUR. FOR ME. AND MY HUSBAND. WE'RE MARRIED. TO EACH OTHER. I'm babbling, which is ineffective considering the very very old man at the desk apparently speaks very very little English.

I  hand him my debit card and I'm pretty positive I'm his only patron who's ever tried to pay for a by-the-hour room with a card.  He stares at it for a full minute, runs it, then tells me it was declined. ARE YOU SURE? HOW MUCH DID YOU RUN IT FOR? Twenty dolla. THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU RAN IT FOR? OR DID YOU INCLUDE INCIDENTALS? CAN YOU RUN IT AGAIN? I HAVE MANY TWENTY DOLLAS IN MY ACCOUNT. He now stares at me for a full minute, repeats "twenty dolla", re-runs the card, and again, declined.

In hindsight, I fully believe this was a message from St Valentine himself, trying to stop this train before it fully derails.

But not knowing this, I trudge on. I run to an ATM, easily withdraw $20, return to the office, give the man my money, and he leads me to the room where the magic is going to happen. Cue cheesy porn music: brownchickbrowncow.


I text Clay's coworker, asking her to stall Clay from leaving for (what he thinks is) our daughter's program until I call him. She texts back that he's already left. Of course the first time in his life that he leaves for something on time would be today... Next I text Clay, I need help, I have no signal and can't call, but I have a flat tire at this address, please come pick me up. Now. First. Before Em's party.  Then I start changing into my Valentine knickers. 

That's when I notice the room is unnaturally bright, like highschool-gymnasium bad-florescent totally-unflattering bright. And there's no lamp, just that one god-awful overhead bulb. For $20, I expect a damn lamp, thankyouverymuch.  No worries though, I brought a candle. But no matches. WHO FORGETS THE MATCHES? Anything is better than this light though, so I shut it off and am engulfed in total darkness. I open the curtains in the room's only window slightly and find that this one window faces the motels bustling "courtyard", which is filled with all sorts of interesting patrons engaging in all sorts of interesting things. 

WHERE IS CLAY. It's been ten minutes since I texted him and have heard nothing back. What if I really had a flat time? Or WHAT IF I'M NEARLY NAKED WAITING IN A MOTEL ROOM FOR A ROMP? I open the wine, pour myself a healthy glass, and call him. No answer. I call Emerson's school, and explain that when my husband shows up for our daughter's made-up Valentine program, please tell him to check his messages because his poor wife has a flat tire.


I wait another 20 minutes, texting and calling Clay, drink another heaping glass of wine, and try to figure out how to shut off the room's decrepit heating and cooling unit because it's a nippy 58 degrees in the room.

At 12:40, forty minutes into our allotted sixty minute "date", guess who shows up? My long lost husband. He's greeted with a half naked, drunken crying wife.

After his initial confusion with all his what-are-you-doing-on-this-side-of-town, but-what-about-Em, and where-are-your-clothes questions, he realizes that this was an impromptu rendezvous, but to be completely honest, I WASN'T FEELING IT ANYMORE. You just don't keep a half-naked lady waiting, folks, you just don't.

He spends the next few minutes consoling me, explaining how he was sitting in the parking lot of Em's school, waiting for me. He couldn't answer my calls because he was on the other line with work (a meeting he was phone-conferenced in since he had to miss it physically to make Em's "party") and his piece. of. shit. first generation iPhone is so old, it no longer buzzes when he gets texts.

Right when we decide to salvage our last ten minutes, someone walks by - and briefly peeks in!  MOOD. RUINED.  We get dressed, pack up, and head out.  I don't even have to check out because I was never given a room key!

My apologetic Valentine then takes me for coffee to sober up a bit before we have to party with 26 kindergarteners at 2pm. We laugh, I fix my tear-streaked mascara, and he makes me promise that I plan this again, only with him knowing in advance.


Lessons learned: Cosmo may not give the best advice, spontaneity is best implemented when it's fully planned and agreed upon by both parties, and Clay is getting a new iPhone. ♥

63 comments:

  1. Haha those ecards are amazing :-D

    xoxo Pakize

    http://madamekeke.blogspot.com

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  2. You're brave sitting in a motel by yourself half naked for so long! At least you have a great story to go with it!

    We had our valet guy with our bags asking me if I had a phone that was going off in my bag... *face palm* I had to shove my hand in there and fumble around trying to turn it off. Pretty sure my face turned red.

    <3

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  3. hahaha omg!! that is an awesome story! i would be drunk too.

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  4. Omg I'm so sorry! thanks for sharing this story with us. x, Kat

    Love and Ace

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  5. Haha nice story. Thanks for sharing.

    -Vogue&Heels
    vogueandheels.wordpress.com

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  6. This might be the best story ever. And you are definitely the best wife ever! Awe! I am so sorry things didn't work out like you planned, but you two will definitely get to laugh about this every year on Valentines Day forever!!

    -Mia
    www.msmiamaree.com

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  7. Literally laughing out loud for half of this. The other half, I was gasping in awed horror. At least it will always be a Valentine's Day to remember, no?

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  8. Oh my goodness! I don't think I've read anything this good & hilarious in SO long! You poor thing!
    It will definitely be a Valentines you'll never forget (for sure).

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  9. This is the best post I have read in a long time. Its straight out of a movie. I love that you tried to do this. Gives me some ideas.
    Kayleigh http://www.thewayiwanderlust.blogspot.com.au

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    1. Hopefully whoever meets you in your room is much more prompt ;)

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  10. I couldn't help but chuckle while reading this, because it is totally something that would happen to me! That's great that you tried to do that though - it's the thought that counts!! Thanks for sharing your Valentine's story :D
    xoxo

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  11. hahaha.. i think i experienced all sorts of emotions reading thru this!!! fun, sad, laughing a bit but totally still smiling at the end. :) i love how you tried to make all of this work! kudos to you (whether it did push thru or not).

    Click me for my NEW BLOG

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  12. OMG this is too funny! I can't imagine sitting in a seedy hotel waiting.. and waiting! Glad it all (kind of) worked out!

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  13. i'm really glad you commented on my blog because this is freaking. hilarious.

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  14. some of those ecards are hilarious! thanks for sharing

    www.trendinginfashion.blogspot.com

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  15. OMG!! Whilst reading this I didn't know weather to cry or to laugh - I decided to laugh, only because life writes the best stories and you definitely won't forget this day! xx -K

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  16. hahaha ohh thank you for posting this & thank you for linking your blog with your comment :) Really felt like i was reading a magazine article of entertainment! submit your story ;)

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  17. Oh my ahaha Im sorry it ended like that, but it will ALWAYS be a story for the two of your to share!
    Coffee Beans and Bobby Pins

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  18. I just laughed so hard! But it will be a great story to share! (;

    xo, madeline
    http://sugarsassandkissesatnight.blogspot.com/

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  19. the last lines of this killed me. mostly because I totally agree that spontaneity is best implemented when it's fully planned :)

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  20. Hahah oh, I'm so sorry your valentines did not go as you planned, but it definitely did make for a good story! And to be honest, I think the spontaneous, unexpected turn outs for a thing like Valentines Day are the best ones :-)


    www.thefirmavocado.blogspot.com

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  21. Haha - what a hilarious story. Do you watch Modern Family? It reminds me the Valentine's Day episode where Claire and Phil meet in a hotel and all goes south.
    Your hubby sounds like he handled it perfectly. And, hey, A for effort. ;)
    Isn’t That Charming.

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    Replies
    1. I've never watched that show, though I've heard great things about it. I'll have to hunt that episode down! ♥

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  22. this is a great story! thanks for sharing this with us! the lesson is great haha :D
    keep up the amazing work! love your psots :))

    xx Rebekah


    http://www.flirting-with-fashion.blogspot.com

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  23. hahaha this is amazing! love the post

    http://streetlily.blogspot.com

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  24. I felt bad laughing at your misfortunes but this was a great story! I hope it all worked out later in the evening. And hey, its the thought that counts!! You have a great blog here :) New follower!


    ninikat.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you, Nini ♥ Following you back!

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  25. This left me laughing yet feeling like this would be a story that would totally happen to my husband and I! Spontaneity can cause so much effort sometimes.
    New follower. :D
    -Kayla

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    1. Thank you, Kayla! Following you back ♥

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  26. Oh my gosh, best post to read after just going to your blog! I would be drunk too! Following you now as well. (:

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  27. Ami, I lovest you and your stories.

    On a sidenote, I am truly sorry your V-Day plans got all screwed up but thank you for sharing!

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  28. I just love your posts! They are amazing and I read everything right now.
    I really love it! I'm following you now.
    I look forward to reading a new one!
    xoxo

    ps. If you'd like please check out my blog, http://narvaga.blogspot.com

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  29. now that is an adventure!!! you both will always remember that one!

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  30. Oh my cow, this is spectacular! GREAT story! New follower here :) And like someone else said, this totally sounds like it could happen to me.

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  31. Going to hit follow as soon as I am done here. Holy COW! You are a BRAVE soul! How sad it didn't really work out for you though. I am slightly devastated for you. You should TOTALLY try it again. :)

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  32. omg I feel for you! I can't believe someone peeked into your room, that's so creepy!!! I don't think I'm brave enough to go to a motel like that by myself. Go you! Love your blog :) I'm now following you

    xx

    jen

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    1. Right?! Complete mood killer.

      Following you back, by the way ♥

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  33. Haha, sometimes the worst experiences are the BEST stories! Love it!

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  34. Thanks for stopping by my blog!! I only had to read this post to know that I am officially your newest follower.

    Hands down funniest Valentine's Story I have ever read. I have always wondered if people try out the ideas in Cosmo...

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  35. Hahaha, this was SO funny! Damn Cosmo and their crazy shenanigans!!

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  36. Aaaah what a shame! After all that secret planning.
    Would love you to check out my latest outfit post :)
    Have a fab weekend Hun xoxo
    http://www.intotheblonde.com/

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  37. DYINGGG from laughter over here! You are my hero for even trying this and for paying for a 1 hour hotel room- that takes some balls. At least you took clean sheets ;) I hope you end up making this come true one day!
    Following you back. Love you already!
    xoxo

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  38. Ryan thought I was crazy as I read this laughing all the way. Loved it. This will be one of your favorite stories one day.

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  39. Just wanted to stop in and say this is HILARIOUS. I would never do this for my fiance so your hubby is already a lucky man - just for the fact you thought up such a thing (or cosmo did. they mislead us so much). I also wanted to say.. have you ever been told you're an AMAZING writer? I was reading your bio and thought so, and then read this post and KNEW so. I read you majored in advertising, I think you could have a career in copywriting! Have a blessed day :)

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    1. This was probably one of the most thoughtful and touching comments I've ever received. Thank you, Margaret ♥

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  40. Such a funny experience! And so well-written! Sorry to hear it wasn't the perfect date but it's such a great story!
    FashionEdible Blog

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  41. This is kind of incredible. Oh dear lord. And the fact that you did it BEFORE the ice cream party makes it 90 times better!

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    1. Can you imagine if it would have went exactly as planned? My son's teacher would have been side-eying us the entire. time.

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  42. Hahahahaha! I am SO sorry for laughing at your expense, but that is the best VDay story I think I have ever heard.

    At least you had wine with you....

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  43. OMG, you totally freaking rock!!! This post is awesome!!!!!!!!! And hilarious!!!!!! I know that if I planned something like this, it would soooo be ruined too!!!!

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  44. this is one of the best stories of all time. i am glad you can laugh about it, because you will never forget it. thanks for sharing it with us!

    A. fisher

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  45. Hilarious! That's awesome. I haven't gotten up the courage yet to try something like this is my husband. Even though it didn't work out, I'm impressed with your planning skills!

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